[Disclaimer: if you’re a member of the Church of Scientology, this might bug you. Of course, you also might use it as a chance to share your opinion. Your response is entirely up to you. Either way, Happy Halloween.]

Watch out, Portlanders. If you’re like me, you, too, may receive the following Halloween scare.

Located on my car window:

“HOW TOXIC ARE YOU? Take this test and find out.”

I’d write out the whole thing for you, but there’s on on-line version here.

Generally, the questions focus on those cup-half-full moments we all have. Ever felt fatigued? Ever felt lifeless? Ever feel spaced-out? Irritable?

The truly scary part was the back. On this 10-question quiz, if you answered yes to 8 or more, “you could be experiencing a case of severe body pollution…”

Sheesh. Sounds bad. Now, if you only answered yes to 4-7 questions, one would expect their lot in life to be better. Not so; “you could have considerable accumulated toxins.”

I only marked 3, so I figured I’d be fine. But imagine my shock when I read that 3 or less meant that I “could have a level of >accumulated toxins in [my] body which can affect [my] ability to think clearly.”

I must be dying. Accumulated toxins? Body pollution?

If only I’d lived a clean life. Skipped the coffee, the beer, that occasional cigar. Maybe I wouldn’t have answered yes to any of the questions…

Not that it would matter. There’s no amnesty for the 0-yes person. Sadly, you fall in the “3 or less” range and still suffer the threat of toxin accumulation.

Thank God (I have no idea if that’s correct in this context) for L. Ron Hubbard’s “Purification Rundown.” Now I can de-toxify, whatever that means.

The piece of paper contains a website that I can go to for more info; “Your clear thinking — and your life — depend on it.” Unfortunately for them, I prefer to get my info on this brand of thinking clearly from South Park.