Public Service Announcement

I’ve been up with a cranky toddler since 3 am, so please excuse this post. It has nothing to do with Portland, except to say that Valentine’s Day is coming, and even in Portland people will want to celebrate. They’ll want to have sex. And I just want to save all my Portland sisters from that awkward moment when the guy says, “well, did you,” and the girl has to be all, “no, dude. Now get the hell out of my bed before I bite your head off and dispose of the cadaver because that totally sucked.”

According to the LA Times, “7% of women always have orgasms with sex alone.” Let me make myself clear here — sex alone, that means no licking, touching, or toys. Just the old in-n-out. Why’s this? Because women’s clitorises are far away from their vaginas. If they’re closer, then the lady can be pumped away at and that’ll be fine. For the rest of us, guys, you’ll need to take matters into your hands, your tongues, whatever.

The article presumes that unsatisfied women ask, “Am I simply, um, put together differently than other women?” Really? Why do women need to look in the mirror all the time? What guy stands there and thinks, hmmm, perhaps it isn’t the motion of the ocean…

So ladies, measure the distance between your clitoris and your vagina and then get out your construction paper, your safety scissors and your glue and make your Valentine a card. Draw a map, to scale, of course, and let your man know that tonight’s the night for him to learn your coordinates, dig?

Someone get me some caffeine. And a nanny.

10 Comments so far

  1. frazgo (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 7:57 am

    damn that was funny. I was actually looking for something else but this made my morning.


  2. chip (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 8:21 am

    Funny comments. For the other 93% of women out there, may your partner know the real estate issues!


  3. brewcaster (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 8:50 am

    Too early in the morning to be reading this…


  4. orval redenbacher (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 10:29 am

    Probably helps if you aren’t sleeping with some random guy you met at the bar that night.


  5. missburrows (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 10:40 am

    Laminate that map and you can re-use it!


  6. Kai Jones (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 3:13 pm

    I’m irked that they’re using the word "sex" to mean "intercourse." There’s lots more to sex than intercourse, and most women orgasm from sex–just not the intercourse part.


  7. Tinymeat™ (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 10:16 pm

    I feel like I walked into a frickin Margaret Cho monologue!


  8. Lelo (unregistered) on February 12th, 2008 @ 10:28 pm

    I’ve been refraining all day, but I’ll just say it now: lesbians don’t need coordinates. That solves the problem right there!


  9. Wacky Mommy (unregistered) on February 13th, 2008 @ 3:56 pm

    heh heh heh heh


  10. dieselboi (unregistered) on February 13th, 2008 @ 4:18 pm

    Great comment LELO.



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