As the semi-official sports-guy on this blog, I suppose it is about time I actually got out and took in a little more of Portland’s sports scene than merely our semi-interesting NBA franchise.

In fact, one could say that until I start poking around all of Portland’s athleto-verse, I don’t really deserve to call myself the semi-offical sports-guy on this blog.

It’s with that in mind that I decided to take in tonights bout (Bout 6 of Season 1, to be exact) of the Rose City Rollers, Portland’s local roller derby league (and, by their estimates, the largest such league on the West Coast).

I am mindful as I step into this topic that I am not the first on our little corner of the web-block to discover and expound upon this experience.

Really, this wasn’t my idea. My night was to be filled with having some ribs at mom’s, but events transpired, as the often do, and the upshot was that my wife and I were invited out to roller derby with my wife’s boss and her husband.

As I’ve noted in the past with Blazer games, a good way to get me to anything is to give me a free ticket. And, once again, it worked. And so, with no more pussy-footing around, my take on Portland Roller Derby.

We arrived at the Expo Center at 6pm, in time to get into a loosely organized and confusing ilne for the door, only to find that we were “VIP’s” for no apparent reason, at which point we got into a short, but slower moving and even less organized line. Once inside, we found our seats and I began to take it all in. A couple of important points first:

Amenities

In keeping with major league sports (which, I’ll tell you, this is not), beer was hideously expensive ($4.75 for PBR), soda and water were as well ($3 for a 12 oz bottle), and the rest wasn’t interesting enough to explore. Only one bathroom available per gender, but (as usual) it was fine if you were of the male persuasion. Bleacher seating, close quarters, and no real ushering to speak of.

Pre-game

Two really annoying emcees took the floor (one called Rocco Billy, the other named Cat Nasty, memorable only for his green jacket and shoes) and began trying to whip the crowd up into a lather. There was a tremendous amount of pre-game BS to sit through. Introductions of all officials, introductions of the “Fresh Meat” (also known as next season’s recruits), introductions of the cheering sections (all people end up in one of the sections, except the VIP’s, and either root for their team or, I assume, risk invoking the wrath of the true fans around them), and the National Anthem, over-performed and under-practiced by Rae Gordon, who has a wonderful voice but needs to pick a key to sing in and stick with it, and make sure she knows all the words.

On the plus side, the pre-game did offer a tutorial on how roller derby is scored, and we were introduced to the “Score Whore,” a scantily clad roller-vixen who skated around with a dry erase board and just enough fabric on to keep it PG-13. Also, there was a performance by Portland’s own Last Regiment of Syncopated Drummers and able DJing by Atom 13.

Gametime

This is where it’s time to give some credit where it’s due. I was led to believe, coming in, that this would be akin to WWE wrestling, with general collusion and playing-it-up by the teams and no real competition. But what I got was actually exciting, at least during those times where I understood what was going on.

The night was broken up into quarters, where each consisted of 15 minutes of teams engaging in “jams” against eachother. Quarter 1 and Quarter 3 were the High Rollers (entirely defeated all season long) against the Break Neck Betties (striving this night to be the Break-Even Betties, season record wise); Quarters 2 and 4 had the undefeated Heartless Heathers trying to keep their streak alive against the Guns N Rollers squad.

At the beginning, things seemed slow, and I thought it would be a long night. But, as the night went on, the bout got more heated, the skating got faster, and I really started to get into the action. Perhaps it helped that I’m a red-blooded male, and the Heathers’ team captain (Vominatrix Barely 21) came out in the second half wearing a semi-sheer frock that wouldn’t contain her electrician’s-tape-pastied self in. But I tend to think it was more that it was actually fun to watch a sport I didn’t quite understand, but which these players were so into.

Then there’s the whole female empowerment thing. These chicks are as bad as they want to be, push the edge throughout their game, and generally just show how bad-ass chicks can be. Not that I’m about starting women’s power rallying cries, but this is one of those events that (except for the PG-13 elements) a mom could take her daughter to (I think Betsy already has) and walk out with a daughter excited about seeing a women’s league with women genuinely having fun.

——

I guess this is a mixed review. Will I go back to Rose City Rollers? I don’t know. If I end up there, I won’t be upset, but I’m not planning another trip at this point. But I think it’s a worthwhile engagement for anyone in Portland to check out (especially the Championship Bout on September 30th, where $1 from each ticket will go towards ovarian cancer research at OHSU). If nothing else, it’s one of those delightful niche activities that helps to make Portland a special place to live, work, and play.

And, maybe (once they’re able to line up a practice facility — they’re looking, if you’ve got 14,000 sq ft of floor space with limited pillars) they’ll qualify, in my mind, as a professional sport yet…

Related posts:

1. Portland Roller Derby = Fun Fun Fun!
2. Rose City Rollers Roller Derby
3. Portland Roller Derby
4. Rose City vs. Charm City
5. Ladies, Step into the Rink