Well, we tried to wander through the exhibition. The children were profoundly bored. It was impossible to pay attention to the exhibits while simultaneously trying to keep the children quiet. I was dripping with sweat from trying to maneuver the stroller through the crowd, soaking the headset. While struggling down the stairs, one of the wheels of the stroller left a big black mark on the white wall. I couldn’t imagine being any more flustered and embarrassed.

Until we were in the gift shop, and my son squatted and proceeded to generate a pool of urine on the beautiful wood tile floor.

I was sufficiently scarred by the entire ordeal that I would break out in a cold sweat whenever anyone even mentioned the Art Museum.

But that was many years ago. Now that same son is studying ancient Egypt in second grade, and has been begging to go see the Eqypt exhibit. So, we checked out a cultural pass from the Washington County Library, and paid one arm and one leg for tickets to “The Quest for Immortality — Treasures of Ancient Eqypt” on Friday night.

We made something of an evening of it, and went to Romano’s Macaroni Grill beforehand for dinner. We told our server, Elias, that we had to be at the art museum in an hour, and he did a yoeman’s job of getting our dinner served efficiently without making it feel rushed.

I know that Macaroni Grill is a chain, and so I will get grief from all the food snobs for even setting foot in there, but the balsamic vinaigrette on the side salad was terrific, and the vodka rustica was absolutely delicious — penne pasta, grilled chicken, and prosciutto, tossed with a light vodka sauce, topped with Parmesan, and baked until bubbly.

We made it on time, and the Egypt exhibit was wonderful. The self-guided tour is narrated by Jeremy Irons, and the quality of the exhibits is superb. Looking at them, it is difficult to believe that these artifacts were shaped by the hands of artisans more than 2400 years ago. My son showed off his superior knowledge of Egyptology by correcting our pronunciation of the names of the Pharoahs, and explained the purpose of various objects in their cases. He’s into it.

And it was easy to be fascinated. From the somewhat gruesome details of the funerary procedures, to the elaborate mythology of the sun god’s journey through the netherworld every night, it was not hard to be engrossed. I encourage all of you to try and see these amazing pieces of human history before they move on to another city.

The only wrinkle came in the gift shop, after we had all finished viewing the exhibition, when my son suddenly crouched slightly, knees together, with a pained look on his face. My memory of our last visit to the gift shop sparked a full-blown panic attack. Fortunately, although he may not yet be capable of always visiting the restroom before it becomes urgent, my son is now able to make it to a restroom when he has to, and we were able to avoid the kind of unpleasant scene that occurred last time.

“The Quest for Immortality — Treasures of Ancient Eqypt” will be at the Portland Art Museum through March 4, 2007.

Nevertheless, when you insist on ordering your venti sugar-free vanilla latte with two and-a-half shots, you’re just being a dick.

Originally uploaded by PAgent

I fell madly in love with Andrea McArdle in junior high. I had the soundtrack album from “Annie”, and I played that sucker to death. Then I bought the sheet music, and played it until it fell apart. I pored over each picture of her that I owned, with straight hair from Act I, to the shocking curly wig from Act II.

Of course, I moved on to other crushes: Judy Garland, Kate Bush, Joanna Gleason… but Ms. McArdle was the first in a long line of women with whom I fell head-over-heels in love, after merely hearing their voices.

Which is why my heart stil gives a little flutter when I see the “Annie” logo, as I did on the back of this van. But this is not merely the vehicle of a crazed Martin Charnin fan. No, it turns out there is a touring production of “Annie” playing at Keller Auditorium, starting tonight and running through Sunday.

I kinda wish I could ditch all my responsibilities and go see it. But as cute as Marissa O’Donnell may be, she’ll never replace Andrea in my heart.

“Cool!” thought I. “Half-price Valentine’s Day candy!” I wandered over to see how picked over the goodies were. There was pastel-colored candy corn, pastel-colored M&Ms, jelly beans, LOTS of stuff.

In fact, there was a lot more there than there was before Valentine’s Day. It was then that I realized what I was actually seeing: the chocolate bunnies, the candy eggs….

This was Easter candy.

Yes, it’s four days after Valentine’s Day, and forty-nine freaking days before Easter Sunday, and Easter candy is already on sale.

I was so disgusted and outraged that seeing St. Patrick’s Day cookies in the bakery section didn’t even faze me.

Please, can’t we have even one measly week off from holiday consumerism. Please?

Originally uploaded by PAgent

It’s a mighty sad sight that greets you when you go down the long, long escalator to the Food Court at Pioneer Place. Hot Dog on a Stick is gone. Cleaned out. Sterile.

And it was usually so full of life. You could always look forward to seeing those young beauties in their ridiculous yellow, red, and blue outfits as they plunged a batch of lemonade, or dunked wieners in batter, all the while desperately trying to look cool. As if you could look anything but goofy in that elongated beanie hat.

Although I have always loved a good corn dog, I only ate there once. After all, deep fried hot dogs and french fries do not really have a place in a heart-healthy diet. But I know that the absence of this institution will be a blow to all those toddlers that come downtown with their parents. To them I reluctantly say “Off to McDonalds with you!” For Hot Dog on a Stick has left the building.

Which is why it was especially tragic that, in order to make up for the funding that they were hemorrhaging, many public schools chose to enter into a devil’s bargain with soft drink manufacturers. In exchange for cold hard cash to fund needy programs, they would put soft drink machines in their schools. Hey, schools need money, right?

Except that money isn’t really coming from the soft drink manufacturer. They make a tidy profit on the arrangement, and can afford to make the payments to the schools from that income. So, YOU are paying that money to the schools, in the guise of the money your child spends on sodas. And it’s good to support schools, but if you did so more directly, your kid’s health wouldn’t be taking such a hit.

Well, some school districts are backing out of the deals. In particular, the Beaverton School District is trying to implement a new federally-mandated wellness policy that limits soda and junk food sales during school hours. Good for them, but the economic reality is that if they were to walk away from their 10-year contract with PepsiCo, it would cost the district ~$2.05 million in penalties and lost income over the 4 1/2 years left in the contract. If they were to renegotiate the contract to include only water, juice and some sports drinks, revenue would shrink by ~$1 million.

That’s a tough economic reality to face. But Beaverton has taken the position that it is a necessary step in helping to safeguard the health of their children. Again, good for them.

Last June, the Portland Public School District adopted a wellness policy that limited drink sales in schools to water, milk, soymilk and 100 percent juice. As a result, Portland has made the decision to pull diet soda and sports drinks from their high schools’ vending machines. But Coca-Cola lawyers are turning the screws on the district, warning that the district will have to pay $600,000 unless it restores the two kinds of drinks to high schools.

Under the terms of their original deal with Coca-Cola, Portland schools got $1.9 million, annual payments of $45,000 and about $230,000 a year in sales. That’s money that will be hard to replace, not to mention the possibility of owing more than a half-a-million dollars in fines for breaking the contract.

If you think that soft drinks in school are a threat to the health of our children, let the school district know. Tell them you’ll support their decision to yank soft drinks out of schools. But the other side of that bargain is that you then have to actually fund the schools sufficiently so that they don’t have to sell the health of their kids in order to fund after-school programs.

Holy Crap, I can’t believe I’m this excited. I’m a long-time fan of the Deschutes Brewery, and when I lived in Eugene I made several pilgrimages to Bend to enjoy their beers on tap at the Deschutes Public House.

Mirror Pond Pale Ale, Black Butte Porter, Obsidian Stout, Jubel Ale — these beers are emblematic of the craft beer movement in the Pacific Northwest, and Deschutes keeps cranking out new recipes that are every bit as good.

The new pub is scheduled to open in October, 2007, and you better believe I’m going to welcome them with open arms, and a terrible thirst.

Originally uploaded by PAgent

Taken on Saturday morning, in the rain. Can you identify the building in this picture?

Update: I was afraid this would be too easy. Atlas correctly identified it as the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall.

This particular ornamentation appears high on the south side of the Schnitz, and the picture was taken from a fourth floor balcony at the PCPA. You can just see the beginning of the ornamentation in this picture:

Originally uploaded by PAgent

The moral of the story is, of course, that only morons would hold up the progress of Western Civilization by using an outdated concept like paying cash. And if you choose to do so, you will be held up to the ridicule that you so richly deserve.

I hate that commercial. But on Saturday I had precisely the opposite experience, and I think it was perhaps just as bad.

My family rarely goes to “The Original Pancake House“. It’s not that the food isn’t good, far from it. It’s just that on a good day you will have a half-hour wait to be seated. On a bad day, the line goes out into the parking lot, and you can be facing a wait of more than an hour. That’s not an attractive option with small children.

However, I was out with my kids yesterday, and my daughter asked for french toast for lunch. Since it was after noon, I thought it could be worth a try. We got seated after a bearable wait, and placed our orders. In my case, I decided to try one of their signature dishes, the Apple Pancake, for the first time.

Oh. My. God. For one thing, it’s beautiful. It arrives at the table sizzling from the oven, in a cloud of pungent apple-cinnamon steam. And it is extraordinarily tasty.

After we were stuffed, I picked up the tab and, debit card in hand, asked the server if I paid her or the cashier. She smiled sweetly.

“You can pay me, but I’m afraid we’re one of those places that doesn’t take plastic.”

Oh really. I had a five dollar bill in my wallet, and I haven’t carried a checkbook since the early ’90s. I imagine I had a stunned and suddenly desperate look on my face.

“There’s a 7-Eleven across the way with an ATM, if that’s helpful” the server suggested.

Which is why I left my kids at our table and hoofed it to 7-Eleven, in the rain, crossing Barbur Boulevard without a signal, twice, so I could get enough cash to pay our bill. I briefly considered just letting them keep one of the children instead, but then you have that whole Sophie’s Choice thing, and I would have had to explain it to the wife when I got home.

Which brings me back to that stupid VISA commercial. Although I hate it, and I hate the idea behind it, I think that in this day and age taking the other extreme is just as foolish. Just as I don’t expect things to crash to a standstill when I choose to pay with cash, I also don’t expect the wheels to fall off the bus when I pull out a debit card.

While I wouldn’t like to see them change their menu at all, I might suggest that the time has come for the Original Pancake House to take the plunge and get itself a card reader.

These performances are NOT for the kiddies, and to reinforce that fact, the shows are at the Someday Lounge, so 21 and older only, please. Tickets are $15 at the door.

On a more family-friendly note, Tears of Joy Puppet Theatre will also be performing “The Shoemaker and the Elves” from Feb. 2-18. The premiere is 7:30 on Friday the 2nd, with subsequent shows on Saturdays at 11 am and Sundays at 2 and 4 pm. All performances are in Brunish Hall at the PCPA. Tickets for the shows can be purchased at the PCPA box office, or ordered online via Ticketmaster.